A range of celebrities market workout routines that promise to burn calories and slow the aging process—for a price.
I’m certainly no celebrity, but as a ranch resident of the Hill Country with its ubiquitous, evergreen Ashe juniper (or mountain cedar), I myself have developed a workout that delivers heart-pumpin’, muscle-buildin’, weight-sheddin’ results at no charge.
Cedar is an easy enemy. The prolific pollen producer native to the Edwards Plateau punishes seasonal allergy sufferers with “cedar fever.” It’s also incredibly thirsty, soaking up scarce rainfall to the detriment of other vegetation.
Cutting it back is like peeling an onion. You keep removing the trees’ relatively soft wooden outgrowths—or layers, if you will—until you achieve the desired clearance for trails, pathways and roads. Hand-to-branch combat fosters fitness as well as fulfillment. To take advantage of the Ashe-Kickin’ Workout, I have some field-tested recommendations.
Check, please! Cedar-slaying can be strenuous, so check with your doctor and get the OK before beginning any exercise regimen.
Rags to britches: Attire yourself in the oldest, toughest, raggediest clothing in your closet because this workout surely will damage whatever you’re wearing.
Covering all the spaces: Speaking of attire, opt for long sleeves and heavy pants or jeans to minimize cuts and scratches. And wear sunscreen and a wide-brimmed hat to prevent sunburns. Thick leather gloves complete the ensemble.
Make no mis-snake: Cedar survives in rugged territory where snakes also thrive, so boots should be worn for extra protection.
Bug off: Likewise, bugs and other creepy crawlers could cross your path. Spraying repellent on pants, gloves or tops of boots helps.
The cutting edges: The workout requires relatively inexpensive tools—21-inch bow saws for cuts up to 5 inches and 31-inch lopping shears for overhead branches. Chain saws are strictly prohibited in the interest of maximizing fitness!
Bind the wounds: Now and then, an oak tree will get in the way, and oak trimming should be followed immediately with pruning paint to prevent the spread of deadly oak wilt.
Muscles in knead: After a vigorous session with cedar, the ultimate reward is an appointment with a massage therapist or a sympathetic spouse who can soothe away any soreness.
Through sawing, stretching, stooping and bending, the Ashe-Kickin’ Workout offers an inexpensive way to stay fit throughout the calendar year. So if you’re looking for me, chances are, I’m just cuttin’ up in the great outdoors.
